The Seattle Seahawks. Once again expected to win the NFC West and go to the playoffs for Mike Holmgren’s last season. Seattle sports fans have anticipated the beginning of football season for months, not because the Seahawks have consistently been our sole quality franchise over the last five or so years, but because we’ve already lost a basketball team and seen a potentially good Mariners team turn into the worst in the American League. Needless to say, I, along with many other fans, have been frothing at the mouth for this day.

I don’t follow football in the off-season too much, so I figured that the Buffalo Bills were going to be a pretty easy win for the Hawks. At the very least, going in, I expected an even-handed match. But Jesus Christ, the Seahawks looked like the Mariners: they were God-awful. Sure, the team has some excuses – Hasselbeck has been injured for weeks and has neither practiced himself or built up trust with his receivers; the receivers, of course, are a cluster, as both Branch and Engram are injured, leaving only Burelson and a bunch of rookies. But no one could have predicted a 34-10 ass raping.

Granted, the Bills look good. While they started off as poor as the Seahawks, they finally picked it up in front of their home team and went on to dominate in passing, running and defense. But the Seahawks looked downright terrible. When Hasselbeck had people open, he’d fail to convert. The receivers dropped what seemed like a hundred passes, and only so much can be blamed on rookie mistakes. The defense, understandably, got worn down as the offense failed to give them a rest, but things just went from bad to worse as the game went on. Ultimately, this was one of the worst Seahawks game in recent memory… what a way to start the season.

It was announced today that Tommy Lee Jones, who, ultimately, turned out to be a completely useless character in No Country for Old Men, is suing Paramount Pictures, the makers of No Country for Old Men, for over $10 million dollars from the film.

Jones is asking for “significant box-office bonuses” and other compensation he says are owed to him from the Oscar-winning movie, which went on to make over $160 million. Apparently, according to him, there were known errors in his contract as the film went into production, and he wants an external auditor to look things over and assess what he is owed.

How come every year lawsuits come up like this? Maybe it’s not that uncommon as there are plenty of B2B contracts that go to court, but it always seems like some big name actor or director (I’m thinking of Peter Jackson here) is suing a studio over money that wasn’t paid to them. You have to think that in the day and age of immediate visibility and legal scrutiny that major disputes – such as over millions of unpaid dollars – wouldn’t happen. How does this happen? Are the studios simply naive to think that people who are used to making millions of dollars a paycheck won’t notice if they aren’t paid? Or do the plaintiffs and their lawyers not examine their contract enough? Either way, isn’t the contract supposed to clearly define the amount or percentage an actor, writer, director or crewman is supposed to make?

It seems clear cut to me, but then again, I don’t work in Hollywood.

What is the world coming to? It has been a crazy couple of weeks in the world, with some stunning sports developments, hideous murders, new wars and more. Not all of the news has been bad, but when it has, it hasn’t been crazy.

The Olympics kicked off on Friday in stunning fashion, with a spectacular opening ceremony by the Chinese. We all knew they were not to be outdone, and it may be some time before we see something as grandious as the $300-million production that featured countless fireworks, amazing video screens that seemed to come out of everywhere, artistic performances that would be unimaginable in any other part of the world (how many performers were there in the ceremonies, altogether?), and so on and so forth. I absolutely love the Olympics, and am happy they are here. It’s the only time I watch so many diverse sports and actually get into them all – I’m watching USA vs. Japan women’s volleyball, and the Japanese are looking good (against a supposedly better U.S. team). I’m actually looking forward to basketball (go Redeem Team!) despite my lack of general interest in the sport, as well as gymnastics and a variety of others. There are going to be hours of lost productivity over the next couple of weeks.

I try to watch the Olympics on CBC, the Canadian channel, rather than NBC, where they seem more content to bring up politics and conflict in a passive aggressive kind of way toward any country they choose to ridicule. Not too mention that they show less sports (on the main channel) and more commercials. Of course, it was classic seeing President Bush glance at his watch halfway through the opening ceremonies. seemingly bored out of his mind.

Of course, the Olympics have been scarred by a series of events, not exactly the seamless launch China was so desperately hoping for. In the days preceding, China was attacked by a small rebel force – a rarity for the country. Beyond that, though, they had little control over a seemingly deranged man stabbing the parents of a former U.S. Olympian just miles from the Games, killing one and seriously injuring the other before jumping to his death, or the suddenly profound Russian vs. Georgia war, where thousands have already died. So much for an Olympic truce, and the timing seems more like convenience than coincidental, as the Games have attracted so many heads of state to Beijing.

Beyond war, reporters have been busy the last few weeks, especially in North America. It was announced to day that Bernie Mac has died – while I was never a big fan of the comedian, it was definitely a bit of a shocker. While both Pineapple Express and Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 beat out The Dark Knight on Wednesday, it looks like the Batman movie will once again conquer the weekend box office. More importantly, we’ve seen the mysterious Anthrax case that, in its outset, caused paranoia throughout the United States, to come to a close with the suicide of the FBI’s only suspect. Questions remain, but unless we’re looking at a major government cover up, the late scientist seems like he was a troubled man. Beyond that, Canada and the U.S. has been captivated by the absolutely disturbing stabbing/decapitation/cannibalizing of an innocent, random victim on a bus, by a man who no one – even his wife – would have predicted.

As I’ve said, it’s been a crazy couple of weeks in the world, and there were several other stories not mentioned here.

With some truly big movies out this summer, most notably The Dark Knight, IMAX once again is the place to see movies. Or at least so I’ve been told.

I’ve actually never seen a “real” movie at the IMAX, i.e. a Hollywood production; the only IMAX movies I remember are the ones from my childhood, like Beavers and Everest. Those are all fine and good, but after missing movie after movie after movie on the big IMAX screen, I decided it was time to finally to make my move and hit up The Dark Knight on the lauded format.

The nearest IMAX is in downtown Seattle, about 25-30 minutes from where I live. Take parking and walking to the theater into account, it’s probably a 45-minute trip one-way. That being said, it doesn’t make much sense for me to spend my time and money to drive to the IMAX, buy my tickets at the box office, and return home. So, I did what I presume most people do when they decide to buy tickets to the IMAX – they go to the website.

Now, I hate ticket surcharges. It’s not necessarily the cost (though it is in this situation), but the principal of the matter. I understand perhaps a $1 fee here and there, as most ticket-sellers are essentially middle men and deserve to profit from being such. With Fandango, though, the per-ticket fee is not cheap, making it much more worthwhile to drive to the local theater and pick up the tickets myself. Actually, I just checked, and it’s only $1.25, but that’s per ticket, which means things add up quickly. Don’t even get me started on TicketMaster, which should be sued by the government a thousand times over.

Anyway, back to IMAX.

So I decide to go see The Dark Knight with a couple of friends. Two of whom I’m buying tickets for. I go to the site, select three tickets, which, understandably, are slightly more pricy at $10.75 a pop. That’s fine. But wait, what the fuck is this? A $3/ticket charge? Three fucking dollars per ticket? Are you fucking kidding me?

Now let me digress. Let’s say a company such as IMAX decides to build their own e-commerce system. I bet it could be made for $1,000, but for doubt’s sake, let’s say a system costs $100,000 to make, maintain and keep secure.  At $3 per ticket, that means it would take 33,333 tickets sold before breaking even. The Seattle theater alone seats 405 people, which means 82 sold out showing. The Dark Knight has four showings a day, which means that it would take them 21 days of showing Batman to break even. We’re on day 18 of the film’s release, and almost all of the showings have been selling out.

In other words, assuming the ridiculously overpriced cost of $100,000, a one-time fee, it would take the IMAX just over three weeks of convenience charges to pay for their entire system. Even if they had to pay that every year – which they don’t – they would be immensely profitable. Of course, IMAX outsources their e-commerce, which means they pay a small fee for each ticket sold, but it’s probably like 25 cents, which means $2.75 extra profit per ticket.

Oh, and there’s also a $2 order charge to top everything off.

And IMAX is saving money because their “convenience” charge is not for us but for them, as they don’t have to pay people to manually sell tickets to us moviegoers.

Bottom line: I paid nearly $15 per ticket, and IMAX is making nearly $5 of pure profit off my transaction. Fucking scam if you ask me.

Thanks, Toyota, for being so innovative with your technology. While you could have spent the last ten years developing fuel efficient cars or figuring out how to make an MP3 jack standard in your vehicles, you instead went out of your way to add a Panic Button to my car’s remote control. What a useful feature. Thank you, Toyota!

After all, the Panic Button is a real life saver. I live in Bellevue, Washington – not exactly crime capital of the world. Hell, I’ll walk around in the streets of Seattle all night and not be frightened for a second. As a 26-year old male I am at huge risk of being attacked by a stalker or rapist, but this Panic Button makes me feel safer. I love the thought that at any time – when I’m near my car – I can hit that little red Devil button and fire up the car alarm, to scare away anyone who’s lurking nearby. Or wake up my neighbors. Or drive me crazy.

Because as useful as the Panic Button is, its secondary uses are far more valuable. Like, when I’m trying to carry my car keys and laptop bag in the same hand, and I accidentally trigger the Panic Button. Thanks for reminding me just how loud my car is – while I’m sitting in it. Or when I’m walking back from the gym, talking on the phone, and holding my keys and gym bag in the same hand. Or several bags of groceries. Or if it presses against something in my pocket wrong (you know what I’m talking about!). Thank you, Toyota.

I really appreciate the time and effort it took you to add this handy feature to my purchase. As much as I would have liked an MP3 jack (I did, thankfully, get to pay Car Toys $250 for a cord to stick out of my dash and not do a damn thing but play silent music) or even – gasp – an automatic trunk release on my remote control, I couldn’t live without the Panic Button from Hell.

Thank you, Toyota, for the most annoying, pointless feature a car can have.

After my discouraging trip to the movie theater on Monday night in a failed attempt to see The Dark Knight, my roommate and I were at least entertained to witness a blonde do what blondes do: something dumb. Now, I have several blonde female friends, and they’re quite smart (though they do have their blonde moments from time to time), so I don’t mean to pander to stereotypes here. Well, OK, yes, I do.

This isn’t going to come across as all that funny to those who didn’t witness such a thing, but as we stopped at a traffic signal in downtown Bellevue, the city where I live (near Seattle), we observed as the woman in front of us – a dirty blonde – started to work on her hair. This is fine, as when I sit at traffic signals and have nothing to do, I usually a) scratch myself, b) stick my hand through my sun roof or, generally, c) try to check out cute dirty blondes in cars around me. Unfortunately, I couldn’t see if she was cute or not, but I could see her playing with her hair… and, well, she didn’t make it too far.

She first straightens her hair with her hands, and then starts making a move as if she’s planning to convert her free flow into a ponytail. As I’ve observed women all over the world put their hair into a ponytail, I have to assume this is pretty simple, though I generally am amazed that women know exactly how to turn chaos into nice hairdos. Anyway, while she’s holding her almost-ponytail in one hand, the light turns green.

An average person, I assume, would give up on their hairstyle attempt and wait until another light. After all, it’s not like she had started braiding it in an elaborate manner – she had just grabbed her hair with one hand. But does she let go? No. As a good blonde would do, she keeps one hand on the steering wheel and proceeds to navigate through five or six more lights and over two miles worth of road. The road is entirely straight, with just a few hills and dips involved. Not that I encourage it, but if she really wanted to finish her hair – presumably by just tying a band around the ponytail – she could have taken her other hand off the wheel for a split second to do so.

Instead, she holds her hair with her elbow sticking out toward the passenger’s side. The multiple green traffic signals don’t thwart her. The miles of open road don’t thwart her. And even when I finally turned into my apartment complex, she was still holding her hair like it was a Faberge egg. Who knows how many more miles she carried that hair.

Anyway, not that funny now that I’ve committed it to paper, but it was pretty hilarious at the time.

Things have changed since September 11th. Security at airports is more of a pain in the ass in the ever. For some reason, we still have to take off our shoes, as if the terrorists are really that dumb to put C4 in their shoes anymore. The United States is set at a constant state of Orange Alert, whatever that means. Countries can be attacked even without doing anything to the U.S. Our government can spy on us without a court order. However, we’re still looking for WMDs in Iraq.

But what pisses me off almost as much as having to take my shoes off at airports is listening to the song “God Bless America” during the 7th inning stretch of Major League Baseball games. The policy was implemented the day baseball returned to the airwaves after the attacks, and that is fine. The policy continued through the playoffs and World Series. OK.

Then “God Bless America,” if memory serves, played during the 7th Inning Stretch of every MLB game in 2002. A big baseball fan, I go to a lot of games. Maybe not as many as some, but I’d say 25 games a season is more than most people go to. That’s a lot of times to hear “God Bless America,” and think of the players – they have to hear it at least 162 days a year. Sure, the National Anthem and Take Me Out to the Ballgame are played every game, but one is our national anthem, and other is a pure baseball tradition. “God Bless America” is just something Bud Selig added to appeal to patriotic sensibilities, and presumably NASCAR fans.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m patriotic. Yes, I’m liberal AND patriotic (I don’t view the two as being mutually exclusive, at all). No, I don’t wear American flag underpants or burn Dixie Chick records or take everything (or anything) our President says at face value; in fact, I question most things our government tells us, and even what the national media tells us. But I love America and am proud to be an American, despite everything we do to the world.

So, when I say I hate the song, “God Bless America,” I am not being unpatriotic; I am simply saying that it is an overly used, annoying, biased and ultimately offensive piece of music.

Why should MLB not play “God Bless America” at its baseball games anymore? Here are a few reasons:

• As an atheist, it mildly offends me. OK, in reality, I just don’t like hearing the song, but being forced to listen to “God Bless” stuff is just nauseating.
• On that note, though, whenever I hear, “God Bless…” I think Christian. Which is fine, except baseball is a sport for all people and all religions, not just Christians. What do Muslims think? Hindus? Buddhists? Most don’t care; they live in a country based on Christian principles. Fine. But in an age of political correctness, shouldn’t the MLB be a little more… politically correct? (see, I actually suggest being PC when it’s in my best interest)
• Furthermore and foremost, “God Bless America?” Isn’t that a little self-centered, a little pre-globalization. Patriotism and a little bit of nationalism is fine, but how about “God Bless the World?”I’d find that a lot less offensive, as we shouldn’t be concerned about whether God blesses this country but rather the world as a whole? “America” implies the United States, but a good chunk of baseball players are from other countries.

Why this random post? It has nothing to do with movies, though arguably it has to do with entertainment. But really, I just got really annoyed when, after listening to “God Bless America” at the baseball game, the Gasworks Park fireworks show on 4th of July (the biggest show in Seattle) did their finale to Celine Dion’s version of the song. Isn’t Dion a Canadian, for starters? And two, really? That song of all songs to do your finale to? No!

Seattle is not a huge city. It’s no Manhattan or Los Angeles. But it’s not a small city. In fact, it’s the largest city among several states in the Northwest. In other words, it is not a team that should be without a professional basketball team.

Yet, today, the city of Seattle struck a settlement with Clay Bennett and the other Oklahoma City owners who bought the Super Sonics last year. Seattle makes some money, but Bennett and Oklahoma City gets the Sonics. Starting next year, the Sonics, or whatever they will be called, will play in Oklahoma City, a place I’m pretty sure that will never have a fan base or market equivilant to what Seattle has or will have. How is it right for a place like Oklahoma to have an NBA franchise and Seattle not to?

Let’s face the facts:

• Seattle no longer has a basketball team. That just sucks. It’s embarrassing and just plain messed up. I don’t even like basketball, have only been to one winning Sonics game ever, but as a sports fan – and a Seattle sports fan at that – I cannot believe we just lost our team.
• We no longer have rookie of the year Kevin Durant. He could be great. Too bad we don’t get to keep him.
• Clay Bennett and his group are a bunch of sleazebags. It’s bad enough to go into another state, buy a company and then move the company, as you’ve always planned, without thinking about the negative ramifications for those left behind. It’s an entirely different thing when that company is a professional sports franchise that has had deep ties in the community for decades.
• David Stern cannot be trusted. It just doesn’t make sense to move the Sonics away from Seattle to Oklahoma City (though I see the city has a population of 1.2 million, amazingly). This was political from the beginning.
• Seattle no longer has a championship-winning team. The Sonics won in 1979. That was the last time Seattle got to celebrate a championship victory.
• And most importantly, Starbucks should be banned. Perhaps stores should be burned, and not just the ones that are getting closed down. Howard Schultz, despite his legal campaign to “save the Sonics,” had to know that Bennett and his crew wanted to move the Sonics. In fact, one can hardly blame Bennett when Schultz, a Seattle guy, the CEO of Starbucks, either so maliciously sold the Sonics to out-of-town owners – or did so in idiocy.

Yes, there are some positives. Seattle gets to keep the colors, the name and so on and so forth, pretty much guaranteeing that we will see the Supersonics back in Seattle at some point. But that’s at least five years down the road, and then there are the years of rebuilding, et cetera. We may have a good ten years – a whole frikkin’ decade – before Seattle has a decent basketball team again.

So, all I can say is ban Starbucks now.

As a Seattle Seahawks fan, I am by nature a Lofa Tatupu fan. The young, under-sized linebacker has given a boost to the defense and has gone to the Pro Bowl all three years of his short career. In the offseason, Tatupu signed a new $42 million contract with the Seahawks.

So, I was saddened to see that Tatupu had been arrested for a DUI. This is old news by now, as this happened quite some time ago, but how utterly disappointing! What a stupid, stupid way to risk your career. Will the Seahawks can him? I can’t see them doing that, but Seattle has taken action in the past. Either way, I’m disappointed in the guy for not putting a tiny fraction of his salary to a pay for a driver.

Read more about Tatupu’s DUI here.

By the way, if you like to know about celebrities who mess up their own lives, you should head on over to this celebrity DUI website. The website has much more content than that, but for my audience, I figure that’s what will be most appealing.

This bugs the hell out of me. With actors, radio hosts and newscasters forced to go off the air due to a single slip of the tongue, how come Fox commentator Michelle Malkin isn’t getting stripped of her job for fueling a ridiculous argument about a Muslim headscarf that isn’t even close to being an actual Muslim headscarf. And if it were a Muslim headscarf, who… the… fuck… cares? And even if she cares – even if you care – who… the… fuck… cares?

If you somehow haven’t heard about this, Malkin, a right-wing psycho (I can only assume), said that the scarf Rachael Ray wears in a recent Dunkin’ Donuts commercials looks like a kiffiyeh, a Middle Eastern garb that is “popularized by Yasser Arafat and a regular adornment of Muslim terrorists appearing in beheading and hostage-taking videos.”

Um, seriously?

Listen, if she feels this way, fine, and normally I wouldn’t call for her dismissal or even a boycott. She’s practically declared that she is a bigot and an idiot. But, considering this day and age where every little misstatement results in the end of someone’s career, how is this not worse?

First, the scarf isn’t a Muslim scarf. It’s just a scarf.

Two, even if it is a Muslim scarf, how is that succumbing to terrorists? How does it even relate to Muslims? What is wrong with Muslims?

Three, why should Malkin reasonably assume that the scarf is intended by either Ray or Dunkin’ Donuts to be a symbol of terrorism? Look at the picture – it just doesn’t make sense.

Oh, and shame on Dunkin’ Donuts for actually pulling the ad. Corporations need to stand up to absurd accusations and fight back. I actually have less respect for them now that they’ve bowed to pressure – but how much pressure were they actually receiving? Preposterous.