And in 2008, just like any year, there were a fair amount of movies that allowed me to play mean. At the same time, 2008 marks a continuing improvement on my part to avoid the movies I know are bad. One summer, way back when I was in high school, I went and saw just about every movie that came out – in theaters, no less – even if I knew they were going to be horrible. I was obsessed. I even backtracked to 1995 to see just about anything that had been released, just so that my database could be complete. When I could have been watching the classics of the century, I was instead watching some crappy movie from ‘97 that I knew was going to be bad.

One should not pay too close attention to reviews, because everyone has their own tastes and the more movies a critic watches, the more cynical he or she becomes. Nevertheless, there are movies that you don’t need a critic to tell you that they’re going to suck. And those are the movies I’m starting to weed out of my obsession, so I can focus on other important things, like my day job, friends, family and perhaps finding a girlfriend one of these days.

In 2008, I turned my back on the spoof movies that have proven time and time again to be the worst movies of whatever year they’re released in. And by spoof movies, I mean the likes of Meet the Spartans and Epic Movie. Having watched the latest Saw flick, I also vowed to never watch another one – though we’ll see if that holds when Lionsgate sends me Saw 6 on DVD late this year.

Nevertheless, this long-winded intro is meant to say one thing: Worst Movie lists are always challenging, because one can’t possibly – and shouldn’t – see every bad movie in a year. Just because Meet the Spartans isn’t on the list doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be – it just means that I, using sound judgment, decided to ignore its existence.

So, without further ado, here are the top ten worst movies of 2008:

1. The Happening
   This M. Night Shyalaman movie was on my anticipated list coming into the year, as I figured the man who brought us The Sixth Sense had learned from his mistakes with the horrific Lady in the Water and would do something a little more sensible to win back some trust. Instead, The Happening is one of the most embarrassing, unintentionally funny movies I’ve ever seen. Wooden, cringe-inducing acting by otherwise talented people, an inept screenplay that has its characters somehow outrunning the wind most of the time and just one bad scene after another make this the perfect storm for a disaster.
2. The Love Guru
   To show just how bad The Happening is, it’s sad when The Love Guru is only the second worst movie of 2008. This Mike Meyers comedy is, unlike The Happening, not funny at all. In fact, it’s embarrassingly painful as Meyers desperately pulls out everything from his gag book to throw at the audience, in hopes that something sticks. Unfortunately, nothing does. Offensive, but not in a good way, and just downright stupid the rest of the time, the movie even fails to make Justin Timberlake funny.
3. George A. Romero’s Diary of the Dead
   There was a time when the name George A. Romero would evoke excitement in ancticipation of his next zombie film. That was a long time ago. The father of zombie pictures is now trying to cling to the past, but producing low-budget zombie films is not going to do it. In the day and age where 28 Days Later and the remake of Dawn of the Dead amp up the excitement and quality of the genre, doing a film with a Cloverfield-esque handheld camera gimmick is going in the wrong direction. The movie is boring, horribly acted and just downright painful; Romero should consider stopping before he ruins what is left of his reputation.
4. College Road Trip
   Martin Lawrence isn’t funny. He never was and never will be. The only time he’s tolerable is when he’s standing side by side with Will Smith for a Bad Boys movie, but that’s simply because Smith is so good that it’s easy to ignore everyone else. Even fans of Lawrence will be scratching their heads with this G-rated Disney movie, however. With a title like College Road Trip, one would expect an R-rated comedy full of sex and nudity, but instead, it’s filled with bad jokes, absurd situations and terrible acting. Sure, I’m clearly not in the target audience, but who is? The movie is made for five-year olds, but what five-year old cares about a college road trip? This project was doomed from the beginning, and it’s amazing it ever was released to theaters in the first place.
5. In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
   This list wouldn’t be complete without a Uwe Boll movie, so here it is! The movie is actually watchable and features a halfway decent cast led by Jason Statham, but of course “watchable” is a relative term when talking about movies produced by the German God of Shit. For better or for worse, Boll blatantly rips off successful movies like Lord of the Rings to accomplish his storytelling; the good news is that the movie looks better than his other films; the bad news is that it still pales in comparison to better, less-cheesy fantasy tales.
6. What Happens in Vegas
   This Asthon Kutcher/Cameron Diaz romantic comedy shouldn’t be on this list. It is, after all, a romantic comedy, and even bad romantic comedies usually aren’t that bad. But What Happens in Vegas is so dumb, absurd and mean-spirited that it does seem only fitting to proclaim it as one of the worst movies of 2008. I’m still unclear as to how two people could be so cruel to one another, and then conveniently fall in love for the sake of giving the movie a happy ending.
7. Saw V
   I’ve always hated the Saw movies, but as long as they keep making money, they’ll continue being released in theaters. Sadly, whereas the franchise picked up a bit around Saw 3 and Saw 4, Saw 5 sees the franchise drop off a cliff. With the killer Jigsaw long dead, the movies now rely on flashbacks and trickery to deliver an hour and a half of “entertainment.” The suspense and any originality the franchise once had has long been crushed in order to make a quick and easy buck. The studio exec at Lionsgate who is greenlighting these films should be awarded for his or her business savvy, but there is a special place in Hell waiting.
8. Miracle at St. Anna
   If this is Spike Lee’s response to the “racially ignorant” Clint Eastwood war movies, I smell hipocripsy in the air. Beyond being boring, poorly edited and terribly written, Miracle at St. Anna is embarrassingly stereotypical toward its characters. The black leads are shallow and fit exactly into the African-American mold that Mr. Lee should be trying to break, and it’s sad to think that the director – who is a talented individual – is wasting away in his own bitterness.
9. Prom Night
   This horror movie remake had promise: put a bunch of horny girls in prom dresses in a hotel, have them do scandalous things, and then let them get murdered one by one. It’s not that hard. And yet director Nelson McCormick somehow botched things up anyway, delivering a boring PG-13-rated horror flick with minimal skin, gore or even murders.
10. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
    The second Mummy movie was terrible on many levels, but at least it knew what it was and stuck to its guns. This third movie, with a new director and villain but the same hero, played by Brendan Fraser, had promise, as it looked like it might be a little more grounded, but instead proved to be bad on so many levels. It wasn’t clear who the main character was, Jet Li was masked by special effects most of the time and the picture lacked the energy the small franchise once had. When the Yetis show up and start doing football moves, though, that’s when you know the filmmakers had no clue what they were doing.

Note that “disappointing” is different from “bad” or “worst.” Some of the movies on this list are just plain bad (The Happening), and most of them aren’t that great, but there are a few on here that I would watch again – they just simply didn’t live up to expectations. The higher up the list they are, though, the more they disappointed.

Without further ado…

1. The Happening
   Easily one of the worst movies of 2008, The Happening also showed promise. Sure, M. Night Shyamalan has been making progressively worse movies every year, but aside from Lady in the Water, his movies haven’t been disastrous. This one, starring the typically fun Mark Wahlberg, looked to get Shyamalan back on track – at the very least, The Happening had to be better than Lady in the Water. Right?
   Wrong, biotchs! The Happening is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. It is laughably bad. The writing is terrible. The acting is terrible. The direction is terrible. And our print of the movie even revealed the boom mike much of the time, which at least had my friends and I rolling in our seats giggling. Without that poor boom mike, I don’t know if we could have been able to sit through this disaster. And I’d been looking forward to it.
   Yes, The Happening is the most disappointing movie of 2008 – and the worst.
2. The X-Files: I Want to Believe
   I am a huge X-Files fan. Yes, the last couple seasons weren’t so great, but the first several were awesome. In fact, I’d say the series is one of the best to ever grace the small screen. While some people didn’t like the first X-Files movie, I thought it was pretty damn good – and compared to its sequel, it’s Schindler’s List.
   I was pumped for the sequel. Sure, the previews weren’t that great and the title I Want to Believe is absolutely terrible, but this is X-Files. How bad can it be? The producers had also promised that this would be a stand alone picture, promising to be a scarier, less confusing film.
   Unfortunately, The X-Files: I Want to Believe is more of a drama than a horror flick. The producers got so caught up with the characters of Mulder and Scully that they forgot to give fans (because, let’s face it: no one else showed up) a compelling story. The movie is pretty boring, isn’t scary and, most importantly, does not feel like The X-Files. There isn’t much at all of a supernatural slant to the movie, so… what the hell is the point? What a letdown.
3. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
   Many people will surely be putting this one at the top of their list. In hindsight, I was mildly entertained. It had enough Indiana Jones moments, and overall it was fun to see Harrison Ford back in one of his trademark roles. Still… the only reason Indiana Jones 4 is not in the #1 spot is that the movie trailers, from the beginning, suggested that there was just something slightly off about the picture, which dampened my expectations from the beginning. After all, could such a movie, even if it were directed by Steven Spielberg, be as good as the first three? The odds were against it before it ever hit theaters.
   Nevertheless, expectations were still high, and Spielberg, George Lucas and Ford did not truly deliver. There was the “nuking the fridge,” scene, which killed it for a lot of audience members right then and there. Then there was the stupid-looking crystal skull, which looked goofy as hell. Don’t forget the jungle-swinging scene, full of dancing monkeys and Tarzan-like goofiness. Oh, and the killer ants. An uninteresting performance by Karen Allen. And, most importantly, aliens and spaceships, which begs the question, What the f**k was Spielberg thinking?
   Ultimately, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull could have been a lot worse – but it could have so easily been a lot better.
4. Semi-Pro
   You can never expect too much from a Will Ferrell movie, but you still expect to laugh. With Ferrell starring as the owner of a horrific and cheesy 70’s semi-pro basketball team, it looked like a gimme that Semi-Pro would follow in the vein of Anchorman and Blades of Glory. Unfortunately, the movie is amazingly unfunny. Boring even. All of the good parts are shown in the previews, and the rest is just a complete and utter waste of time. Truly disappointing.
5. Blindness
   Not a bad movie by any means, Blindness is the perfect example of expectations run amok. Fernando Meirelles is the director of City of Gods and The Constant Gardener, two visually stimulating and superbly done films. Logic would dictate that Blindness, about a contagion of blindness that sweeps the globe, would follow this trend. I was expecting this to be an Oscar contender and a legitimate thriller.
   Again, Blindness isn’t a bad movie – it just isn’t anywhere as good as it could have been. The picture is poorly directed and edited at times, and goes in a few directions that I wouldn’t have taken it. It picks up near the end, but other than that… rather disappointing.
6. Leatherheads
   George Clooney and Jim from “The Office” star in this throwback football film could have been an instant classic. Clooney is always funny, and the previews made the picture out to be a goofy dramedy about the beginning of the NFL. Unfortunately, Leatherheads isn’t nearly as funny as it thinks it is, gets bogged down in a rather disappointing legal storyline about a war hero who isn’t quite what he appears to be, and just feels overly long. All in all, it’s pretty boring.
7. Appaloosa
   I like modern westerns. When done right, they can be gritty, entertaining and exciting. When I saw that Viggo Mortensen and Ed Harris were starring in an old-fashioned western about two lawmen who take on a large group of thugs in a small plains town, I was excited. Directed by Ed Harris, Appaloosa couldn’t possibly be bad. When it opened, it received positive reviews, which only drove my expectations higher.
   Unfortunately, Appaloosa is rather dull, has inconsistent pacing and lacks the proper shootout it so desperately needed. In his attempt to make an old-fashioned-looking movie, Harris made Appaloosa old fashioned – and that’s not a good thing.
   The movie was still OK, but not the entertaining western I expected.
8. Quantum of Solace
   After the absolutely amazing Casino Royale, expectations were high for this James Bond sequel. While the movie did deliver with lots and lots of action, it was missing the character development and complexities of its predecessor. The new director, not accustomed to action films, didn’t quite get it at times, and thus Quantum of Solace came off as feeling a bit empty.
   Upon second viewing, though, I liked it much more than at first… but still, it could have been a lot better.
9. Son of Rambow
   I went with one of my buddies to go see this one. No, it’s not another Rambo sequel; it’s a comedy about a couple of boys in Britain who set out to make their own homemade Rambo film. The previews were funny and cute, and this looked like a winner.
   Instead, Son of Rambow is one of the most boring movies I’ve seen in a long time. It has its moments, but many of these moments are shown in the previews. Otherwise, the picture just lacked the charisma and entertainment value I was expecting.
10. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
    OK, in reality, I wasn’t expecting a whole lot out of this movie. The second Mummy movie was awful, with an overly cheesy approach and terrible special effects. But I did have moderate expectations for the movie. God-awful director Stephen Sommers was out, replaced by Rob Cohen. Imotep the mummy, who had been the villain for the last two movies, was gone, replaced by Jet Li. Egypt was replaced for China. And Brendan Fraser was returning. This one had the promise to be moderately entertaining, but…
    The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor is cheesy, stupid and boring. The characters – and actors – seemed disinterested, as if they were dragged back to the picture through some blackmail deal that Rachel Weisz somehow managed to avoid (smart girl). Maria Bello turns in a terrible performance, and Cohen can’t decide whether Fraser or his on-screen son is the star of the show. Oh, and when yetis show up to act look like football players, all chances of success go right out the window.

That’s right, you heard me! Sure, some of his bad movies weren’t THAT bad, but they sure as hell weren’t that good, and some have been downright awful. Here are the good ones:

• Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black
  The idea sounded dreadful from the start, but somehow Disney and Johnny Depp managed to make an entertaining, funny and dark “family” film. A surprisingly good film, especially considering it’s based on a theme park ride.
• Finding Neverland
  This award-winning drama wasn’t particularly memorable, but was still entrancing while you were watching it.

And that’s it! Two good movies in the last seven years, yet Depp is still as popular as ever. That’s all fine and good, but acknowledge his failures, people!

The bad ones:

• Once Upon a Time in Mexico (2003)
  This follow-up to one of my favorite action films of all time – Desperado – was supposed to kick ass, but instead it was one of the worst movies ever to grace the silver screen. Depp was dreadful in it, too.
• Secret Window (2004)
  This movie was good for a while, until the final act killed any chance of it being any good. The final minutes are particularly bad, especially when Depp dons braces.
• The Libertine (2004)
  Not as dreadful as it was boring, most people probably don’t even know Depp starred in this film – if they even heard of it in the first place.
• Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005)
  Another Tim Burton collaboration, this one had the makings of being awesome, except Depp’s portrayal of Willy Wonka came off more like a creepy Michael Jackson than anything else. Again, not horrible, but not very goo, either.
• Corpse Bride (2005)
  Probably his best of the bad, the only thing wrong with Corpse Bride is that it is no Nightmare Before Christmas. It was mildly entertaining but never very engaging.
• Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest (2006)
  They should have left it as a sequel. This movie sucked balls.
• Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (2007)
  Not quite as bad as #2, this one still also sucked balls.
• Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (2007)
  Quite possibly the worst musical I have seen in a long while. Depp isn’t bad as the title character, and Tim Burton tries, but the story is surprisingly dull and the musical, presumably derived from the play, is terrible and often cringe-inducing.